Last week I had the honor of attending TCS Live, an ice hockey coaches conference held every year at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. Not only was a lucky enough to attend this incredible event, but I was able to speak as well and share my philosophies on coaching, and share some of my favorite drills that offered a challenge to coaches to think beyond the normal structure of practice.
But apart from speaking, I also had the chance to learn a lot. One speaker in particular was Ryan Blanck, a leadership developer.
In a previous post, I wrote about the "F" word, which in that case was failure, but Ryan mentioned another "F" word that really hurts our communication with each other and shuts down those we are trying to help. That word is "feedback."
And think about it. Every time someone wants to offer you "feedback" it's never good news, they are about to tell you something you did wrong that they would like to fix. So when someone offers you feedback, you tense up and go into defensive mode right away.
Instead, offer to share "an observation," or "an idea," with them.
I can see this being so useful as a boss and a coach, after a presentation, sharing something I saw, or on the bench, doing the same.
I know the difference seems non-existent, but language carries weight and the words we choose can shut someone down or engage them.
At the same time, if you're offering criticism or setting expectations, we also tend to make another really big mistake when we say, "do you know what I mean?"
In the end, they are going to say "yes," but with that, they are saying they know what they think you mean. That question is far too open ended and leaves room for them to believe they know, but perhaps you're not on the same page.
Instead, try saying, "what are you hearing?" or "what are the highlights you're taking away from this conversation?" This has them repeat back to you what they have head and what they think giving you a chance to correct them and ensure they are on the same page as you.
We live in a world of lot of misinformation and misunderstanding. We can do a lot to be more clear about our intentions and our needs if we clean up our language and stop setting expectations that others are unclear we've set.
Until next time!
Dan.